It is never comfortable to be surprised with yet another darkness from your past when you thought you have overcome it.
Depression is not an easy thing to deal with. 8 years ago, I got myself in a deep depression that even I didn’t realize. I had my mind in dark places filled with giving up and dying. There was something I never told anyone, not even my family and even lied about it – because I was scared to be judged for being weak. But 8 years ago, I wished I was dead. I wished I would just die. I wished to take my life away. I tried finding myself and tried searching for that relationship with God that I’ve always been envious of in other people but never found it. I was good only at the start but never took another step when the enemies try to attack me. I got mad at God, cursed Him, thought I wasn’t one of His children, abandoned Him. I was only a christian from the outside. But I was filled with negative thoughts inside. A year later, I heard the sweetest words and that I will always cherish. My Papa who I’ve never been open to and who didn’t know exactly whats in my mind, out of the blue told me “Anak, kung hindi mo na kaya. Umuwi ka nalang. Kaya ka naming alagaan.” (Child, if you can’t take it anymore, come home. We can take care of you). And I did. I came home and stayed for a year where I found myself again. I struggled to go back to real world. But I did.
Fast forward to 8 years later – It took me by surprise when I realized I have been harboring depressing thoughts once again. It is not easy to accept since I thought I have been living in Christ.There are mornings when I’d wake up and wish I didn’t. Sometimes, I’d see the world as dark and cold. I could not draw anything from what I read from my devotions. Even listening to my favorite praise and worship songs makes me feel distant. When I listen to the word of God through our pastors, I can’t feel the words reaching my heart. I feel like an empty shell, sitting there and watching but not actually listening. I’d go home and curl in bed, not knowing what to do. I became restless. I’d find myself staring into space, my mind blank one minute and frustrated the next. I stopped running because I just didn’t care anymore
It took me weeks to address it. But once I told a friend about it, I knew I had to do something. All those times, I have been encountering the word “uncomfortable” in my devotions. I thought it was only about my pride, lack of humility, my temper and lack of patience. But as I was sitting in the subway on my way to work this morning, I encountered God once again. God made me see that He did not allow this depression so I could succumb to it once more. He allowed it so that once and for all, I’ll be able to overcome it through Christ Jesus. That this time, it’s not about how desperate I am to get out of this depression but about how desperate I am to be closer to God, to feel his warm comfort, to be covered by His love. Because God wants me to yearn for Him, to feel Him fill the emptiness in my heart.
I have experienced what it feels like to choose to let go of Him. But at this moment as I write this post, just the thought of being far from God, from turning my back from Him scares me. I do not want to go back to that dark tunnel I have created around me when I tried to run away from Him. And I know that even if I have to crawl just to get away from myself and back to Him, I would. And even if I have to beg God to hold me tight when I feel my hand sliding off, I will. But I know that I don’t have to. If my Papa understands my heart without me saying a word, can take care of me and comfort me in my time of despair, so will my Father in heaven.